Weak.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective" -James 5:16

Lately in my small group and at the Gathering we've really been emphasizing the idea of confessing our sins to one another. This is a wonderful idea and all....but what happens when you feel like you're the only one confessing?

All of my close Christian girl friends seem as if they have it all together. Why? Because they love Jesus. Sure, they have a past that mirrors mine, but the minute they gave their lives to Jesus, they didn't do any of that anymore. NEWSFLASH: I LOVE JESUS TOO. A LOT. but I still mess up...all the time. I feel like I'm stuck in this cycle and I can't get out. I feel like the outsider of my friends. The one who can't seem to get it right. The one who is burdening others with always needing prayer because she keeps falling. I'm not the girl who learns from her mistakes. I'm the girl who makes the same mistakes time and time again. How in the world was it so easy for these girls who had struggled with what I struggle with to just completely turn from their sin and never do it again? Sure, we can do anything with Jesus. But it sure seems like it's a lot easier for them than myself. I'm sick of telling them the same stories, getting the same response of "just love Jesus" or "pray about it"...why do I feel so ALONE?!?!? When am I going to meet someone who struggles like I do? When am I going to meet someone who "gets it"? Sure, I talk to God about my struggles..He knows what's up...but I want to be able to open up to my girls too. I don't wanna wear a mask. I don't wanna put on a facade. I want to be real. And real people struggle. I just feel like a burden to my friends..because they aren't open like I am. Either that, or they don't struggle.

I just really need encouragement right now. Sure, God is always enough and His Word is always encouraging...but getting encouragement from your sisters in Christ is completely different. Just from the progression of my emotions today, I've realized that the more alone you feel, the less appealing choosing to be free from sin seems.

"Never reaching what I want to reach
Never being who I want to be
Blaming me when I fall and fail
All my dreams splintering
Under my fingernails"--Skillet "Fingernails".

The song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North has been my theme song today. I've listened to it many times today at work and it has brought me to tears each time. The lyrics are completely true for me. And in the video in the background on the chalkboard, someone wrote "WILL I EVER CHANGE?". <--- THAT'S HOW I FEEL!!!!!