Weak.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective" -James 5:16

Lately in my small group and at the Gathering we've really been emphasizing the idea of confessing our sins to one another. This is a wonderful idea and all....but what happens when you feel like you're the only one confessing?

All of my close Christian girl friends seem as if they have it all together. Why? Because they love Jesus. Sure, they have a past that mirrors mine, but the minute they gave their lives to Jesus, they didn't do any of that anymore. NEWSFLASH: I LOVE JESUS TOO. A LOT. but I still mess up...all the time. I feel like I'm stuck in this cycle and I can't get out. I feel like the outsider of my friends. The one who can't seem to get it right. The one who is burdening others with always needing prayer because she keeps falling. I'm not the girl who learns from her mistakes. I'm the girl who makes the same mistakes time and time again. How in the world was it so easy for these girls who had struggled with what I struggle with to just completely turn from their sin and never do it again? Sure, we can do anything with Jesus. But it sure seems like it's a lot easier for them than myself. I'm sick of telling them the same stories, getting the same response of "just love Jesus" or "pray about it"...why do I feel so ALONE?!?!? When am I going to meet someone who struggles like I do? When am I going to meet someone who "gets it"? Sure, I talk to God about my struggles..He knows what's up...but I want to be able to open up to my girls too. I don't wanna wear a mask. I don't wanna put on a facade. I want to be real. And real people struggle. I just feel like a burden to my friends..because they aren't open like I am. Either that, or they don't struggle.

I just really need encouragement right now. Sure, God is always enough and His Word is always encouraging...but getting encouragement from your sisters in Christ is completely different. Just from the progression of my emotions today, I've realized that the more alone you feel, the less appealing choosing to be free from sin seems.

"Never reaching what I want to reach
Never being who I want to be
Blaming me when I fall and fail
All my dreams splintering
Under my fingernails"--Skillet "Fingernails".

The song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North has been my theme song today. I've listened to it many times today at work and it has brought me to tears each time. The lyrics are completely true for me. And in the video in the background on the chalkboard, someone wrote "WILL I EVER CHANGE?". <--- THAT'S HOW I FEEL!!!!!

Materialism.

I'm coming to terms with a difficult concept to accept: Materialism & love of money is a sin. Now, I'm not the type of woman who wants the nice clothes or designer purses or expensive makeup. But I do like to buy stuff. My biggest downfall is probably electronic-related devices. For example, I found myself looking up the Beats by Dr. Dre headphones, which are about $200/ea. Last night at Ember, we talked about idolatry and trusting in anything else BUT God. While Joe was giving this great word on this topic, he said "Did you see a bunch of U-Hauls following Michael Jackson's casket? No. Sorry guys, the stuff doesn't come with you".
Zephaniah 1:18,
"Neither their silver nor their gold
   will be able to save them
   on the day of the LORD’s wrath.”
So why would I want to buy anything I don't "need'? Why should I want items that will never be of value in the long run? Shouldn't I be donating my time and money to furthering the kingdom of the Lord God Almighty, who is the only thing that DOES matter in the end??

I don't want to waste my money buying stuff. I need to trust God completely with my finances. If I hear Him telling me to donate my money to further His kingdom, you best bet I'm gonna do it!
It's just difficult when I live in a world that focuses on materialism. Shoot, I live in a home where my mother is always wanting more...wanting more money, wanting more stuff....but trying to tell her that stuff doesn't matter would be of no help. That materialism can be contagious. I'm praying for my heart for God to grow bigger than my heart for my family, so that I do not follow their worldly ways, but follow the way of the Lord. Please pray for me in this issue, if you get the chance.

Satan is Beautiful.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure what the biblical context for Satan and Satan being beautiful is. I know there's Ezekiel 28, but after further research, many say it's more open to interpretation. But from very personal experience I can say this much...

Satan is beautiful on the outside. He's beautiful, and so are the puppets he uses to cause us to fall. I came across one last week, he was a skeleton in my closet, if you will. I had forgotten about his attractiveness, until I saw him. His eyes were sparkling blue and his voice was as smooth as silk. His heart, completely black & cold...but on the outside he's magnificent. The eyes & the voice envelope me and it's so hard to break free and run in the other direction. It's like I'm stuck in a hypnosis. But I have freedom in Christ who died for me..there's no reason for me to die too. The only dying I'll be doing anymore is to my flesh. I envision myself on that cross instead of Jesus..all for the sake of my soul being free. As I type this, I can still feel Satan's hold on me. My flesh doesn't want to let go of something do pleasing. But I have to stay strong. I have to do this.

I want to live abundantly, as Jesus intended me to once He died. I want the fullness of the Holy Spirit all day everyday. Nothing compares to being used by God and feeling His love and witnessing His glory. I want that. all the time. The price? Self-crucifixion. Being a Christ-follower doesn't mean we're supposed to stay in our comfort zones, enjoying all our earthly pleasures, as we thank Jesus for dying for us. We're supposed to die with Jesus. Follow Christ. Follow His footsteps. Self denial, it's not pretty...but that's why it's called a crucifixion. It's painful. But worth it.

"Killa" -Lecrae

I love songs I can relate to. Whenever I fall, I always listen to this song. The lyrics are so true for me.

Uh, I know it’s going to kill me but I just can’t let it go
And the taste so appealing got a grip upon my soul
These honey dip lies mesmerize me
Pride’s got its crooked fingers twisted all inside in me
Fools walk the path I’m on, never to be seen again
Sipping on seduction while we eating on some secret sin
(Not a lot of love and mercy) says the whisper in my ear
And I know I should be over this, but I ain’t seeing clear
And I aint leaving here, unless somebody save me
Walking to my grave letting evilness enslave me
Evil looks so lovely covered in her lace of lies
And the silky smooth seduction just manipulates my mind
Her fabrical fabrication is fueling my fascination
While I’m intoxicated she starts her assassination
I’m losing all my honor and my years to the merciless
Giving all my life away but I’m just so immersed in this (killa)
Hook:
Baby this is innocent (Killa) it won’t even hurt a little bit (Killa)
I’m only here for your benefit (killa) I’m your every wish (Killa)
Come on and let me in (killa), baby this is innocent (Killa)
And it won’t even hurt a little bit (Killa) Close your eyes and let’s get lost tonight
(Killa) Would it be alright? You’ll see (killa)
Her feet go down to DEATH, so don’t let her consume you
Even though her heart is black, her exterior’s beautiful
She’ll take your life away, strip away your joy
Pretends that she gon build you up but she’s just gon destroy you
My friends fell low, when they was so high
Got me running scared of myself, no lie
And I know I’m gon die, I tried cold turkey
But when I’m feeling worthy, Satan’s sure trying to merk me
I’m doing myself dirty, flirting with whats perverted
I should follow the word but I guess I’d rather be murdered
Excuse me I mean martyred ‘cause I’m killing myself
My sin conceived a baby, and we gon name it death, breath
(Gasps) -Taker, she take my breath away
Replaces it with poison and I’m so swept away
I need some bread today hope I wake up
Before they start my wake up somebody make me break up
I’m dating a (Killa)

I'll have another post coming tonight after class. :)