Weak.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective" -James 5:16

Lately in my small group and at the Gathering we've really been emphasizing the idea of confessing our sins to one another. This is a wonderful idea and all....but what happens when you feel like you're the only one confessing?

All of my close Christian girl friends seem as if they have it all together. Why? Because they love Jesus. Sure, they have a past that mirrors mine, but the minute they gave their lives to Jesus, they didn't do any of that anymore. NEWSFLASH: I LOVE JESUS TOO. A LOT. but I still mess up...all the time. I feel like I'm stuck in this cycle and I can't get out. I feel like the outsider of my friends. The one who can't seem to get it right. The one who is burdening others with always needing prayer because she keeps falling. I'm not the girl who learns from her mistakes. I'm the girl who makes the same mistakes time and time again. How in the world was it so easy for these girls who had struggled with what I struggle with to just completely turn from their sin and never do it again? Sure, we can do anything with Jesus. But it sure seems like it's a lot easier for them than myself. I'm sick of telling them the same stories, getting the same response of "just love Jesus" or "pray about it"...why do I feel so ALONE?!?!? When am I going to meet someone who struggles like I do? When am I going to meet someone who "gets it"? Sure, I talk to God about my struggles..He knows what's up...but I want to be able to open up to my girls too. I don't wanna wear a mask. I don't wanna put on a facade. I want to be real. And real people struggle. I just feel like a burden to my friends..because they aren't open like I am. Either that, or they don't struggle.

I just really need encouragement right now. Sure, God is always enough and His Word is always encouraging...but getting encouragement from your sisters in Christ is completely different. Just from the progression of my emotions today, I've realized that the more alone you feel, the less appealing choosing to be free from sin seems.

"Never reaching what I want to reach
Never being who I want to be
Blaming me when I fall and fail
All my dreams splintering
Under my fingernails"--Skillet "Fingernails".

The song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North has been my theme song today. I've listened to it many times today at work and it has brought me to tears each time. The lyrics are completely true for me. And in the video in the background on the chalkboard, someone wrote "WILL I EVER CHANGE?". <--- THAT'S HOW I FEEL!!!!!

Materialism.

I'm coming to terms with a difficult concept to accept: Materialism & love of money is a sin. Now, I'm not the type of woman who wants the nice clothes or designer purses or expensive makeup. But I do like to buy stuff. My biggest downfall is probably electronic-related devices. For example, I found myself looking up the Beats by Dr. Dre headphones, which are about $200/ea. Last night at Ember, we talked about idolatry and trusting in anything else BUT God. While Joe was giving this great word on this topic, he said "Did you see a bunch of U-Hauls following Michael Jackson's casket? No. Sorry guys, the stuff doesn't come with you".
Zephaniah 1:18,
"Neither their silver nor their gold
   will be able to save them
   on the day of the LORD’s wrath.”
So why would I want to buy anything I don't "need'? Why should I want items that will never be of value in the long run? Shouldn't I be donating my time and money to furthering the kingdom of the Lord God Almighty, who is the only thing that DOES matter in the end??

I don't want to waste my money buying stuff. I need to trust God completely with my finances. If I hear Him telling me to donate my money to further His kingdom, you best bet I'm gonna do it!
It's just difficult when I live in a world that focuses on materialism. Shoot, I live in a home where my mother is always wanting more...wanting more money, wanting more stuff....but trying to tell her that stuff doesn't matter would be of no help. That materialism can be contagious. I'm praying for my heart for God to grow bigger than my heart for my family, so that I do not follow their worldly ways, but follow the way of the Lord. Please pray for me in this issue, if you get the chance.

Satan is Beautiful.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure what the biblical context for Satan and Satan being beautiful is. I know there's Ezekiel 28, but after further research, many say it's more open to interpretation. But from very personal experience I can say this much...

Satan is beautiful on the outside. He's beautiful, and so are the puppets he uses to cause us to fall. I came across one last week, he was a skeleton in my closet, if you will. I had forgotten about his attractiveness, until I saw him. His eyes were sparkling blue and his voice was as smooth as silk. His heart, completely black & cold...but on the outside he's magnificent. The eyes & the voice envelope me and it's so hard to break free and run in the other direction. It's like I'm stuck in a hypnosis. But I have freedom in Christ who died for me..there's no reason for me to die too. The only dying I'll be doing anymore is to my flesh. I envision myself on that cross instead of Jesus..all for the sake of my soul being free. As I type this, I can still feel Satan's hold on me. My flesh doesn't want to let go of something do pleasing. But I have to stay strong. I have to do this.

I want to live abundantly, as Jesus intended me to once He died. I want the fullness of the Holy Spirit all day everyday. Nothing compares to being used by God and feeling His love and witnessing His glory. I want that. all the time. The price? Self-crucifixion. Being a Christ-follower doesn't mean we're supposed to stay in our comfort zones, enjoying all our earthly pleasures, as we thank Jesus for dying for us. We're supposed to die with Jesus. Follow Christ. Follow His footsteps. Self denial, it's not pretty...but that's why it's called a crucifixion. It's painful. But worth it.

"Killa" -Lecrae

I love songs I can relate to. Whenever I fall, I always listen to this song. The lyrics are so true for me.

Uh, I know it’s going to kill me but I just can’t let it go
And the taste so appealing got a grip upon my soul
These honey dip lies mesmerize me
Pride’s got its crooked fingers twisted all inside in me
Fools walk the path I’m on, never to be seen again
Sipping on seduction while we eating on some secret sin
(Not a lot of love and mercy) says the whisper in my ear
And I know I should be over this, but I ain’t seeing clear
And I aint leaving here, unless somebody save me
Walking to my grave letting evilness enslave me
Evil looks so lovely covered in her lace of lies
And the silky smooth seduction just manipulates my mind
Her fabrical fabrication is fueling my fascination
While I’m intoxicated she starts her assassination
I’m losing all my honor and my years to the merciless
Giving all my life away but I’m just so immersed in this (killa)
Hook:
Baby this is innocent (Killa) it won’t even hurt a little bit (Killa)
I’m only here for your benefit (killa) I’m your every wish (Killa)
Come on and let me in (killa), baby this is innocent (Killa)
And it won’t even hurt a little bit (Killa) Close your eyes and let’s get lost tonight
(Killa) Would it be alright? You’ll see (killa)
Her feet go down to DEATH, so don’t let her consume you
Even though her heart is black, her exterior’s beautiful
She’ll take your life away, strip away your joy
Pretends that she gon build you up but she’s just gon destroy you
My friends fell low, when they was so high
Got me running scared of myself, no lie
And I know I’m gon die, I tried cold turkey
But when I’m feeling worthy, Satan’s sure trying to merk me
I’m doing myself dirty, flirting with whats perverted
I should follow the word but I guess I’d rather be murdered
Excuse me I mean martyred ‘cause I’m killing myself
My sin conceived a baby, and we gon name it death, breath
(Gasps) -Taker, she take my breath away
Replaces it with poison and I’m so swept away
I need some bread today hope I wake up
Before they start my wake up somebody make me break up
I’m dating a (Killa)

I'll have another post coming tonight after class. :)

Prayer Revival

So I know I haven't posted in awhile..sorry about that.

Lately, I've been reading the book City On Our Knees by Tobymac.  It's so good! There are many many stories of people getting out of their comfort zones, crossing boundaries, all to unite humanity in Christ. The section I'm in the middle of now, is full of stories of prayer revivals. They tell of how a few people would start meeting on a weekly basis, just to pray for others or for the revival of their city..and their prayer meetings would continue to grow until a full-fledged revival actually happened! How encouraging that God can revive an entire region just through prayer meetings!!!

However..many of these prayer meetings happened in the 1800s-early 1900s. Where have we been this past century?!? Look around...our world is filled with hate, with crime. Driving around Toledo, I see people all the time begging for money or food on a street corner..and I watch so many people just pass by (I'm guilty of this, myself).  WHY does this have to happen?!?! God made us all...and if we look beyond the surface-level boundaries dividing us, we'd realize that we're all very similar at heart. We shouldn't allow ethnicity, social class, etc. to divide us. God has been placing this subject heavily on my heart lately. Let's be real..this country needs revival. Humanity needs revival. We can be one big family..yet instead we choose to draw battle lines.

While I'm very pleased to see a few of my friends getting involved in prayer revivals (Brandi and the Trine Revival, Savannah and Bound4Life, and Ryan and pureJUSTICE), I'd love to see EVERYONE praying for revivals. I know it can be discouraging. In fact, all of the stories in Tobymac's book started off discouraging..nobody would show up for the prayer meetings, it wasn't catching on, etc. But within months, it all started growing. See what can happen when we persist?

I'm not giving up on this subject. God has placed it on my heart. Revival can happen, when we come into agreement together in prayer. Don't be discouraged if revival doesn't take place immediately..God works in a timely manner and calls us to be patient.

If this is a subject that's caught your attention or has been weighing heavily on your heart too, please let me know :)

God Loves the Broken

So tonight I was in our garage fetching the nativity scene to set up in my house. I walked up to the upstairs portion of our garage and I noticed a bookshelf in the back corner, covered in dust. We've lived in this house for the past 6 years, and I've always known it was there, but nobody ever touched it (previous owners must have left the bookshelf there). This bookshelf, put together in a flimsy fashion with a few bars of metal and cheap wood, never looked appealing. Until now. As I inspected the dirty bookshelf, I couldn't shake the desire to clean it off and use it in my room. So I grabbed the bookshelf, carried it downstairs, out of the garage, and into the house. As I was walking through the living room with the bookshelf my mom asked, "Why do you have that dirty old thing?". I couldn't help but smile as I responded, "Sometimes Jesus turns something old, broken, and crappy into something so beautiful and useful".


So true, right? We're never too broken or old for Jesus. Sometimes we think "Maybe He'll use me more if I'm more pure and change this-this-and-this about me". That's not always true. God meets us right where we are, no matter how lost or impure we are. Not to be vain, but let me use myself as an example. I was in the process of burying myself in a deep pit. I searched for self-fulfillment within alcohol and guys. Yet every single time I had an encounter with either of those two things, I felt completely empty and worthless. My soul was screaming for something more, little did I know it was the Spirit trying to grab my attention so I could look unto the one who loves me most. So I did...and although I can't say I'm perfect today, I'm certainly a lot better of a person because God smothered me in His love & grace.

So if you're feeling ugly, empty, and broken, cry out to God. It all starts with a simple desire to encounter God on a more relational basis. Just pray. He'll come to where you are, and wrap you in His arms so that you'll be able to feel His never-ending love like never before. Maybe you'll go from being a dusty, dirty, flimsy bookshelf to one that is able to fulfill His purposes, and shine while doing it, might I add!!

Here's a picture of the bookshelf that I rescued, cleaned up, and is now holding a few of my favorite books in my room:

Forgiven & Forgotten

I'm currently reading the book "God Came Near" by Max Lucado. Let me tell you..it's super good! So often do we forget that Jesus was a normal human being just like me and you! He awoke each morning, wiping the gunk outta his eyes. He faced temptations day in and day out. He went to sleep each night and had dreams. The only difference was that He was God in human form. Key word: HUMAN. Anyway, this isn't the point of this post. Just wanted to point out how this book personifies Jesus..and I love it <3

Chapter 19 of the book is called "He Forgot". It's a short chapter that talks about how God not only forgives our sins..He also forgets!

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more" (Hebrews 8:12)


YES that is our FATHER talking about US!!! We sin every day, and as long as we ask for forgiveness, they shall be forgotten?! YES!!

I know I have an entire closet of skeletons representing past sins. So many times I've felt unworthy of certain things in life due to what I've done. The truth? Christ set me free. In Him, I am able to do anything, because He washed me white as snow. He made me new. Those skeletons in my closet weighing me down are Satan's LIES!! They are Satan's lies in your life too.

Don't let doubts that Satan plants hold you back. Remember that with God, anything and everything is possible. Surrender your life, pray for His will to be done in your life, and watch the impossible happen!

I <3 God.